Jizza

i'm not bowling in your bowling league no more

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:17:27 GMT

i managed to show up 2 hours late to work today after leaving a message blaming marion barry for my delay. and no, i feel no shame in blaming a crackhead who's no longer even in office anymore for my hangover related tardiness.

other people's misery makes me happy

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:17:36 GMT

I love love love that so many of my friends are now in grad school because the only thing better than not having to take a final is not having to take a final while all your friends do and not having that affect your social life. I get to hear all the wonderful, self-pitying bitching but since no one lives in DC it doesn't affect my Thursday night. I'm also in love with the fact that post-election my job is so easy and I no longer have to come in at the crack of dawn. It only makes listening to the grad school wankers complaints even sweeter.

WINNER!

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 21:10:15 GMT

i am so excited for my weekend. not only do i get to sleep in and not have to go to work but i'm also going apple picking tomorrow and then am going to some awards thing at the kennedy center on sunday where i will get to see christina applegate. evidently there are other "more respected" people there but i don't give a shit. i loved view from the top and don't tell mom the babysitter's dead. also i have a new dress that i will get to wear. also i'm going out to a nice dinner where i will get nice and tipsy beforehand. because you know, that's kind of my thing.

tragic

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 11:45:10 GMT

so i had to get up for work at 6am this morning and so went to bed directly after grey's anatomy. anyways, shevon texted me around 12:30 to complain about something and for some reason i thought it was my alarm going off and got up and started to get dressed. i cannot even describe the joy and excitement i felt when i realized that in fact i had 5 more hours to sleep.

in other news my roomate has begun referring to me as "the judge", the couch as "the bench", and my wine glass as "my gavel".

my tips to make working out more exciting

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 22:32:30 GMT

i was reading some crap online about ways to make working out more exciting and saw that it suggested things like "listen to music" or "think of how good you'll feel if you do" and was appalled by how fucking useless that advice is. so here's my tips to make working out more fun:

1. run to and from a liquor store. BONUS: on the return trips the bottles are just like running with weights

2. yell insults back at the homeless people who call out to you. BONUS: they may chase you and cause you to sprint (way more exciting than the 20 minute drill)

3. combine running with stalking

that's all i have the energy to think of now. but my tips are a shitload better than MSNBCs.

respect to the man in the ice cream van

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 20:48:03 GMT

i just realized that i haven't really asked anyone if i'm working on monday or not. hmmmmm. whatever either way my weekend will be filled with the following:

picnics
croquet
barbeques
roofdecks
stoop sitting
kings dominion
melrose place
cute skirts
pool using
russian party
paul's birthday debauchery

i have big plans of wearing the russian hat and toasting to "five year plans" once again. i'm also pretty psyched for the super great birthday present i'm making for paul. also the spicy avocado-cucumber soup i'm bringing picnicing.

chi-town

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 16:46:54 GMT

it may have taken me two years, but i finally stepped up and booked a flight to chicago, where i will judge everything and everyone around me.

so productive

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 14:30:47 GMT

since leaving work yesterday i have:

worked out with julie
cleaned my room
changed my sheets
done my laundry
gotten a new driver's license
and showed up to work an hour early.

so i feel pretty impressive.

Mon, 29 May 2006 14:44:22 GMT

miss tsuk came to visit me this weekend and i like to think that dc managed to throw down. when she got in on friday we went out lesbian dancing in eastern market. they played our songs and we danced poorly. some woman named "sweetness" asked alyssa to go back to her place because we "reminded her of little girls".

on saturday we kind of just bummed around my house and sat on my stoop watching sketchy people walk by. the highlight might have been when this middle aged man holding a cane slowly jogged by and about half a block behind him this woman was slowly walking and screaming at him. "you can't even run. i can run faster than you. i'm gonna follow you and let everyone know that you're a dicksucking son of a bitch". i love my neighborhood. then we eventually motivated and went to meet my friends at their apartment. we walk in and paul and cassie are WASTED and cassie is wearing only a t-shirt, underwear, and thigh highs. she goes to change but returns wearing only a t-shirt and a different pair of underwear. a few minutes later she goes to change again and returns wearing pants and a bra. she goes to change a final time and returns with actual clothes on and as we're about to leave, she tells us that she's way to wasted to come with us and we asked why she had gotten dressed if she wasn't going. her reply: "when was i not dressed?" at that point we decided to go without her.

me, alyssa, and jay ended up going to this barbeque in virginia which was nice. then we ended up going to a few other people's houses with py. the highlight of that was probably when py asked if we wanted to go to a "white trash party" and when i told him that i loved theme parties he informed me that it wasn't a theme. we walk into their basement and they have a bar with a little diner like tabe across from it. jay asks if their designer is burger king or waffle house and the girl replies in all seriousness "subway bitches".

then on sunday we went to another barbeque with my uncle and his boyfriend and spent the majority of the time sitting on a concrete slab. then we came home early and went to bed because alyssa had to leave at like 4 fucking am. this morning i saw olivia for breakfast which ended up being less painful than i had feared and now i'm at work doing NOTHING. there is beyond no reason for me to be here and i think i'm going to spend the day smoking with the makeup artist and will probably leave at like 2 or 3.

crazier than tom cruise

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:57:56 GMT

when i was a baby my grandmother actually went as far as to cook my placenta.

accidental alcholics

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 19:11:48 GMT

so last night while "auditioning" new bartenders i got wasted. whoops!

st. WINNER's day

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 16:30:52 GMT

i'm pretty much the most impressive person ever today. despite drinking shitloads of wine last night i managed to take a shower, do my dishes, and fix myself a sandwich for lunch before going to work. that brings my weekly shower total (since sunday) to 3. which is a respectable amount. in fact on wednesday my boss wiggo told me that i seemed almost hygenic. now i'm going to enjoy my irish coffee.

1 night in paris

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 22:23:10 GMT

so apparently paris hilton has herpes. i could not be less surprised. it all fits in with that picture from december of her fucking digging in her cooch at the beach. my favorite part of the article is that her rep doesn't even bother to deny the claims that she has an "alcohol problem", "shady associates", or "erratic behavior".

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,18523,00.html

dispatches from the house of neverending drama

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 22:38:48 GMT

my roomate molly just met me for lunch and told me that she and her boyfriend (another one of my roomates) are moving out and into a new place together tomorrow.

oh craigslist

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 18:59:44 GMT

I am searching for a companion to travel back in time. I posted this ad several times before. I would prefer a young 20 something female companion. MUST be attractive. PREFER you be somewhat able to understand the concepts of the sciences, but as long as your attractive it's okay to be dumb. MUST be able to hold a conversation and carry own weight. Must bring own food and weapons, money is not essential.
DRUG AND DISEASE FREE PLEASE.

apparently i'm not "special"

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 18:26:57 GMT

this morning i was half an hour late for work because of metro delays. just on the red line. and only in the direction i was going. in the thirty minutes i stood there waiting for a single glenmont train to come there were at least six trains "special" trains going the other way. i don't know what kind of destination "special" is but i wanted a special train to come pick me up.

hard times

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 12:39:28 GMT

yesterday i had to work from 8am till 7pm and today i got in at 6am and while in theory i'm off at 7pm again i have a horrible feeling that they're going to ask me to stay until midnight. poor, poor jessa. at least they're catering food for us all day i suppose.

booked bitches

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 22:20:06 GMT

i finally booked a flight to go up to boston from february 17th till the 21st. so now my empty promises of visiting aren't quite so empty anymore now. also kelly and alyssa have promised me a jessaparty. which is pretty much the best party theme that i can possibly imagine.

that affected me

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 17:34:10 GMT

apparently one of my roomates is moving out at the end of the month. this decision affects me in that now i have to meet people who want to move in. this is a slight annoyance that i would prefer not to have to deal with. the problem is that the only roomate whose judgement i trust is also the roomate who i trust least not to flake out on meeting people. poor poor jessa.

a house full of winners

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 20:40:00 GMT

so last night my friend came over for dinner and by "for dinner" i obviously mean "to drink 3 bottles of wine". after she left i decided to watch the rose bowl with my roomates. the last thing i remember is yelling at them everytime texas did something good. then i woke up at 6am on my couch in my icebox of a living room freezing my ass off with no idea who had won the game. i stumbled up to my room and noticed that my roomate molly had passed out in my bed. i shrugged and just got in next to her and she was gone when i woke up this morning. then she called me at work to ask if i knew a. why she was in my room and b. who won the game. obviously i live with the right people.

celebrity gossip quiz

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 17:35:08 GMT

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

this one is about celebrity gossip. and shamefully shows off what i spend every day doing.

bad employee

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 17:14:52 GMT

I made a Quiz for you!

Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

booty call

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 15:27:18 GMT

last night i was sitting in my room when my roomate rene called me drunk. the conversation went much like this:

rene: hey, do you want to come over?
me: what do you mean? are you downstairs?
rene: what? who is this?
me: what? you called me. this is jessa
rene: oh. nevermind. wrong number. i'm at a bar.

then he didn't come home last night. so basically i'm going to be a "detective" and go through his phone looking for whatever jennifer or jessica that i now think he's fucking.

look here tom delay

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 19:48:43 GMT

when you steal from the public you steal from me. personally. in the form of my lunch hour.

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 20:12:26 GMT

1. i have a secret hatred for nothing. none of my hatreds are secret. they're actually all compiled in various lists and passed around to others when i'm drunk.
2. i am irrationally afraid of disfigurement.
3. i'm really bad at excercising restraint. ever.
4. i have a tendency to talk too much.
5. i handle stress like a professional
6. the popularity of golf as a spectator sport is what's ruining espn.
7. getting to wake up after 8:30 is something that happens everyday. in fact getting up after 9 is something that happens everyday
8. my dreams are hard to distinguish from real life.
9. it still feels weird that i have a job and an apartment.
10. i will go out of my way to track down celbrity gossip and harlequin romance novels.
11. i dont know if i could ever try anything that involved voluntary pain.
12. i want an electric bed.
13. i was born in texas, at my house.
14. i can bore everyone to tears with my havering.
15. my dream man is another alcoholic.
16. sometimes i get very sad when i have to wake up early
17. singing and dancing in public is what happens after a few beers in the presence of a mirror
18. caffeine is ok when there's nothing stronger to be had
19. i have a younger sister who reads this
20. i have no desire to work hard

and i'm tagging teal, liz, and alexa